There are no leaves on the trees outside. Just snow, though it’s been near 50 degrees outside of late. Our warmest January yet. I am in the process of categorizing the posts, thus going back over them for content, and now rereading (or heavily skimming) April, 2012. Not the best. But now things are brighter, clearer. I sort of had wanted to erase the stuff that was bogged down, or just “down.” But it is. Not to be too accepting at anyone’s expense (mainly my own). Leaving it out there, the not great, I don’t know what it “means.” But it seemed odd to take it down or to cut it apart from the current blog. The current blog started somewhere around August 8, and that trip to Santorini (lucky me). And… well, a new era of trying. And now with January, a new page or leaf, for just lil ole: me.
I think you sort of have to start (and end) with yourself. You make yourself happy. You deal with disappointing people for the sake of not letting yourself down. You have to sort of look out for number one, (and there is a continuation of this line that Rodney Dangerfield says, but I won’t repeat here).
Don’t be number two to anybody. That’s what my father always told me. It’s hard for girls, now women, wives, mothers. It’s hard to know this, for real.
We have a friend who recently changed her life. She did what was best for her and others did feel unhappy or hurt or had to adjust to fit her new life. She is beaming. Living her life her way. Who’s to say this is wrong?
There is a chapter in the book I’m reading, the chapter after the one about doing mirror work to get grounded in self-love and acceptance and really just being on your own side in life. You and you against the world. You as your own champion.
The chapter is entitled, “Let me disappoint you.” And it really rings true, because so much of the time it pains me to feel the disappointment of someone else so much so that I will pain myself for their benefit. But I am trying Not to do this.
A new leaf. Maybe by March or by this April it will unfold. Grow green, and flap about.
I am curious to see.
